Where To Begin?

Change is brewing. At this point in my life, I recognize when it's coming. It excites me, but I often mistake excitement for fear. Or maybe it's just discomfort, because focusing on myself and moving forward always seems to awaken the same quiet judgements.

Who do you think you are?

You’ve tried this before.

You’re selfish and attention seeking.

People are judging you.

So much harsh self talk, but a pretty fair representation.

I’ve had the name for this blog and the domain for quite a while. It started a few months ago when I had the bright idea to go through all my journals of the last 20 years. I keep them locked in box at the back of my closet. The combination is my birthday so I wouldn’t forget, not exactly Fort Knox. I made my husband promise if I was to go before him, he would take the contents and burn it. He promised, but I don’t believe him. I mean, would I?

I fear the unknown. The less I know the better, so possibly not.

I tried a couple times to digitally journal locked behind a password and someday I will write about how the experience ended up being the biggest mistake and over all great blessings of my life. I don’t do it anymore, mainly because I love a good journal and pencil, no pen, never a pen. It needs the sound, the etching. It is one of my favourite feelings and sounds on this earth.

As I age though I’m thinking about mortality, legacy and generally who I am now. If I died and someone were to open this box and read through my scribble, they would get the general sense my life was a disaster. Just several depressing entries, followed by one super enthusiastic list about all the ways I’m about to change my life. Rinse. Repeat. It isn’t the image I want to leave for my children. I was consistently trying to change myself; diet, exercise, writing, wondering if I was an alcoholic, angry at my husband, hating my career, mad at myself for not following my gut and going into television production. In all this time I have completely conquered exactly one of those. I was too scared to try, to fail, hell, even succeed. Tired of fearing doing absolutely anything because what if people found out who I really was? What if I did?

In those journals I wrote a one-sided story, always the struggle and very little about my accomplishments. Writing is an outlet for me so naturally when things were moving along nicely, I abandoned the effort. I didn’t journal for long stretches at a time, mostly when my kids were babies and I was content being their mom. Now they are grown and I’m restless.

Anyway, I have decided to burn the journals. I don’t know that woman anymore and I certainly don’t want to be her. I have been battling a negative mindset my entire life and I’m tired. Over the past year I have been through a bit of a secret rebranding. All internal although I’m hoping the benefits are being seen by the people I care about. It’s not perfect all the time, but I’m really trying to reframe my thoughts. I’m educated in the lessons of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. Not in an academic kind of way, but rather the live and learn kind from being in rooms with therapists. Several really. I feel I should be rewarded with a plaque or a framed certificate of some kind.

To say my brain is still scattered with ideas, projects & self improvement would be an understatement. I make list on papers, post it notes, dry erase boards and in my phone as reminders. Alexa is tired of my bullshit. I buy new day timers like it is the thing that will absolutely fix me this time and then abandon all of it in 24 hours and watch Tik Toks about a horse ranch. I’ve had a few people tell me I likely have ADHD, a possibility, I thought, so I went to get assessed by a psychiatrist and she said, “You likely do, but testing is costly and you already have an OCD diagnoses, depression and anxiety. Essentially, the treatment is the same.”  So, I didn’t pay for the assessment, and I’ll give you one guess at what the treatment entailed? Say it with me now, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Damn, here I go again.

I’m trying to stay on topic here, but my brain is firing in different directions as it does. Once I get back in a writing routine hopefully it will sort itself out. My brain wants to tell you everything at once instead of remaining on topic which is what I want this blog to be about and what I leave behind. I’m not dying, but I surely don’t want it to be a list of what I thought was wrong with me and how I was intending to fix it. None of which ever worked out because I never needed fixing. I may have needed a few tweaks, honestly, by and large though I’m pretty okay.

I’ve learned a lot of lessons and fought some pretty big monsters so instead of leaving my kids with all the sadness, loneliness and bad vibes my mission for this blog is to include the outcomes of those battles, maybe some life advice through personal experience and what the hell, I thought I would bring you along with me, whom ever you are.

I've fought some pretty big monsters over the years. Some I beat. Some I'm still negotiating with. Either way, I'd rather leave behind the lessons than the battles themselves. So maybe that's what this blog is. Not proof that I finally figured life out. Just evidence that I lived it, learned a few things, and thought they might matter to someone else.

I’ll get back to you on the burning of the journals.